The real vs. the "real"

Throughout our existence we face many challenges as beings. But when we are going through a stage of life that we become more spiritual we give our self more questions than answers.
Real life is such a loose term. For what is "real" here in this world is far less real in the other (for me). So what dose it matter what happens at a silly birthday party right?At a certain point as a human i have discovered that the challenges i face in life may or may not make a difference when i leave this world. Not MAJOR ones like murder, or well. . . taking another life for the hell of it is probably the worst thing i can think of . . . . any who. I went to a CRAZY collage birthday party fit with drinks, dancing, drugs, and most of all DRAMA. I have tried many attempts to make small talk with people failing every time to keep their interest.
By the end of the party I felt rather useless. I mingled and danced and partook in all kinds of merriment but i dont feel satisfied. The party was great fun, but i feel like an outcast. But for a few people who know me (sort of) i felt like even the girl whos birthday it was didnt like me. My question now is dose this matter?
Should i really be concerned if i feel isolated and that i dont "fit in" with a bunch of drunken 20-somethings? *sigh Alas i dont know if me fitting in will make a difference in the GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, but is it bad to want to fit in with peers?
Many questions unanswered. Thats where my frustration and doubt come from right now. For the close acquaintances i have now they can argue and debunk all my doubts with kind words about how they like me and how im a sweet, kind, interesting person, but ... i STILL wont "fit in"
It shouldnt matter and in reality it dosent this will not taint the being i am this will not put a stain on my existance. But as a human i long for acceptance and its a feeling i havent experienced much as many groups of people that have accepted me and denied all the things i have described to you now. BUT i long to belong and i dont know if i will feel that until i go home and leave this place. Oh well ive only got another 50 -60 years of waiting whats that compared to an eternity right?

Posidon

Yesterday I was meditating while drawing (which i've never done before) i began to draw what i was seein. Truth (an owl and my spirit guide) was the first one on the page. From her wings came a wind that grew a tree there was a hollow in that tree just big enought for me to hide. I drew a star an eight pointed star which became a compass. it began to spin and spin and pointed me twoard the tree. then behind the branches i saw a horse. i quickely turned the mage and drew him compleatly.
He was very handsom. I thought it was strainge seeing a horse. Although i like horses i never see them in meditation. He was kind of showing off and trying to get my attention but i didnt know what he wanted. I named him Posidon after my ex husband(in a past life)
Today while cutting the pattern for my halloween costume my itunes began to play an instrumental song "Funeral March" i began to think how much I miss Ian. Before i could think i had dropped into a meditation. I was crying uncontrolably (i havent cried in a few weeks now so i thought i was alright) I am so dissapointed that this didnt work. I've shared my secrets with Ian (all of my secrets of my past life) Physicaly and in meditation was weeping. Posidon could only tell me "in life different souls cross your path, help the ones in need, loves the ones that love you, but never focus all your love on one. You cant afford to love whole heartedly." He was silent for a bit and only watched me weeping. Then he reminded me the reason why i am here is not to love one thing. I have to understand that every thing on this earth is of value.
He was right of corse.
And then he jestured for me to climb on his back. so i did. And then (in meditation) i fell asleep and all went black. I began to imagine all that i used to imagine when i was young dragons flying through the sky dolphins in the ocean stars moons space.
I did learn something important today
"Imagination is a dream, dreams are reality, and reality is only any illusion"
Life however goes on and you have to love every moment of that life before you return to where you began.
We may not meet the spirits we meet in this life again so appriciate all they have to offer untill your time is up.